My doctors told me I could have a sexual experience in other ways.
But I never bothered to ask them how that would work when I flinched at the mere touch of a man.
I looked at his big brown eyes through his glasses while he told me about the love he had for his dog.I may never have sex and I will have pain in that area indefinitely.My "sexual experience" consisted of doctors poking and prodding me and men looking disappointed at me for something I couldn’t explain or help.They told me there was more to relationships than just sex.I figured that was pretty easy to say when you were able to have sex.
Dating sex Høje-Taastrup
I wasn’t sure what I wanted, other than to feel like a normal 23-year-old going on dates. As several friends and fellow sufferers over the years had pointed out, oral sex exists.I studied each guy’s five-picture collection and tried to look for clues in them as to whether or not they would be accepting of my issues. But the feeling of arousal was so often accompanied by emotional distress that I never wanted to try.The guy seemed nice enough, but I was so preoccupied with my big secret, I could hardly decide whether or not I liked him. As he walked me to my car, he placed one hand on the small of my back. He thought I was cold, even though it was a hot night. I turned my head, got into my car, and cried the entire way home.And as I tested the waters for spilling the big secret, I became more and more anxious.“I get sick a lot,” I said. I texted him later in a desperate attempt to explain myself.“Basically, I have a condition that prevents me from having any sort of sex, and I’m still learning how to deal with it…Over the years, people have been quick to write off my vaginal pain conditions as me being a tease or as anxiety stemming from past sexual trauma.
But who wouldn’t be anxious about having sex when it had been so traumatic every single time I tried?
It’s hard to explain.”“I’m really sorry but I don’t think I can do this,” he said. Since my diagnosis, I suddenly had a lot of baggage, and I was finding it difficult to carry. Writing this now, it seems ridiculous to assume that no one would love me because of something out of my control.
But if years of watching TV and reading magazines had taught me anything, it was that men need sex.
In the past two years — in the hopes of alleviating my pain — I have been to physical therapy, psychological therapy, and started support groups.
I have slept with ice on my vagina, tried electric shock therapy and acupuncture, brought my heating pad with me everywhere I go, and used a dilator every morning before work.